The Real Criminals

Sunday, August 10, 2003

I hate throwing labels at you people, but you so-called heroes of justice really have a twisted view of the concept. If you want to be a hero, win the Tour De France, sign a football with a permanent marker, cure cancer, or have a good game of Tetris. Do not, and I repeat, do not think that chasing down my fellow Master Criminal Worms somehow makes you a good hero. We live all the way here in Scaraba, and because of the Chosen Four, we've been getting mocked and horribly beaten worse than the Tenda tribes were so long ago.

Oh, I remember 199X. Ness and his ragtag band of friends come down here, rough up a Kraken, and as a quick, cheap experience gainer, they take out a few innocent worms. Scaraba, a land once infested with those zany Great Crested Bookas, Dread Skelpions, two breeds of UFOs, and guys like me are being targeted? You Chosen Four members should be ashamed of yourselves. Get this gang, we always run away when we see people, and we don't even fight if you catch us from behind. And when we do defend ourselves with our excellent fire attacking skills, you spazz out because we have such a superior offense. Always want to play, but never want to lose, huh? Our brothers in Dusty Dunes Desert have suffered the same fate, though. How can you sit there with your lucrative, post-saving EarthBound deals when you know that you had to butcher innocent, peaceful worm monsters just for a little time-saving? What kind of heroes butcher the innocent in the name of convenience?

You know, fur-crazed Canadians have been treating cute seals the same way. What you and your Canland companions don't understand is that it is us being more humane and retaining the qualities of actual heroes. The Scrabian Desert is a dangerous place. Not only are we ingredients in Molokheiya soup, but we've got boisterous baddies running around, and it goes without saying that it is hot. Major Psychic Psychos and Ghosts of Starmen are nearly extinct these days because they carry rare items, but you hunt me down for EXPerience. Let's look at that.

The bulk of my species is more experienced than most other people or animals you face on your journey. So what? Have you no ethics? What you do is equivalent to going to a senior citizens' center with the sole intent of tenderizing the elderly with a nearby baseball bat. I suppose tossing them in a big vat of soup would also apply in my case, but get serious, folks. You want to something to save? Adopt a family of semi-literate Master Criminal Worms, and let us teach you a thing or two, mister. If you want to level up, learn how to love it up. Oh, and stop eating gummi worms. We hate that.

 Written by    Title  Date Published  Category  
Written by Dr. Andonuts
 She Blinded Me with Science  July 30, 2003  Letters
Article of the Month of July 2003
Winner of People's Choice Award (July 2003)
Written by the Master Criminal Worm
 The Real Criminals  August 10, 2003  Letters
Article of the Month of August 2003Winner of the Mad Duck Prize for articles that RaSeb finds cute for some reasons