She Blinded Me with Science

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

You know, whenever I take a walk to Stonehenge with my friend Big Foot, I always get strange looks. And, you know, they aren't, "Hey, that old fart is hanging out with a cave dweller." looks, but they are looks of bewilderment. I know I haven't been the most forthright citizen of Winters, but it's time to set the record straight. And all of this speculation is about a Mrs. L. Andonuts, my ex-wife. People continue to bombard my son Jeff and I about her, but it's time for me to put an end to this.

My ex-wife is a woman you might know as Lardna Minch. Her maiden name is Lardna Mephisto. When she was in her early twenties, she came to Winters with the intent of eating some of the best free stew in the all the land. Now, we all know the Minch family is rich and Aloyious works hard, but what most people don't know is, Lardna comes from a very wealthy family; which would explain why she was able to venture all the way out here for a little free stew. Since I was then just a guy selling Tessie t-shirts for tourists, I ended up striking up a quick conversation with the lovely Lardna. She was a Leo, hated bugs, and really had a love for science. When my eyes were swelling with lust, they were eyeballing dollar signs. I had to impress "Lusty" Larnda, but how? Winters never had a big bug problem, and I knew nothing of astrology. Then, it hit me. I had to dump all of these frivolous tourist trap jobs, and I had to study. Miss Mephisto was going to be in town for a whole month so it give me plenty of time for me to study in my parents' basement. Day after day, I worked my tail off to give her some of that great scientific insight before she left. Well, I ended up losing track of time. I learned quite a bit, but my eyes were strained to the point I needed glasses, my hair was turning gray, and I hadn't been by lake Tess to see Lardna in weeks. On the very last day of the month, I decided it was time to impress her.

I walked to the stew tent to see something truly odd. With all of the free stew eating she had been doing these past weeks, her weight had increased exponentially. She said she didn't recognize me, but I always felt it was actually her that let herself go. I was never that smooth with words, but I ended up impressing her. As bloated as she was, it wasn't like she was going to get up and walk away so that whole food thing probably worked in my favor. After talking with her for a few days, I showed her Stonehenge, my lab that was in construction, and even my latest invention, the Sky Runner BETA EDITION. Sure it didn't make sense to have a makeshift flying saucer in BETA, but I think she was impressed with the demo. I told her I had recently devoted my life to science, but I was very lonely. Out of love or hunger, she told me I'd marry her if I took down one of those Stonehenge enemies to get her a Picnic lunch. I did, and we decided to wed. After about a year, Jeff came along, and the marriage was smooth as long as I kept Lardna fed. We moved into my lab permanently, and her family even funded a few sweet projects I had been doing. Once Jeff hit two, however, there was a rift.

I wanted my boy to work hard like me. Lardna, however, wanted to pamper the little bed-wetter like a Persian cat. "No boy of mine is going to public school! I'm tired of dealing with him, but I don't want him to end up a t-shirt salesman like you." You see, it was quite tough for me. I loved my Jeffrey, and I wanted what I thought was best for him. Lardna, however, only cared for his financial success and all of the faulty parenting she had done those two years. She claimed it'd give her time to regain her figure. After about a year of that, she broke down, demanded a divorce, and used her family's wealth to drive out all of the doughnut businesses in Winters. To this day, you can't find one. Cups of coffee? Sure, but no doughnuts. Krispy Kreme, Dunkin' Doughnuts, they all fear the Mephisto legacy. Over the years, I joined a few scientific clubs, and to keep the income flowing, I got a few patents on some gadgets, and I even got a local cave boy named Big Foot to split the cost of laboratory mortage. Lardna got married again, and she secretly kept paying for Jeff's tuition as he would be instrumental in shutting down his half-brother's vile schemes.

I have now moved here to Eagleland in Threed with the intent of cashing on the success of my son. I still experiment, but I'm looking forward to my own reality show this Fall on Fox. It's a little ditty called "Who Wants to Marry a Prolific Foreign Scientist", and I also co-produce. In short, things are up for the Andonuts household these days, but I can't help but wonder about my first love, Lardna. Lardna, I can't tell you if, when, or how we should meet again, but you've got to admit, it'd make one bloody good family picnic.

 Written by    Title  Date Published  Category  
Written by Dr. Andonuts
 She Blinded Me with Science  July 30, 2003  Letters
Article of the Month of July 2003
Winner of People's Choice Award (July 2003)
Written by the Master Criminal Worm
 The Real Criminals  August 10, 2003  Letters
Article of the Month of August 2003Winner of the Mad Duck Prize for articles that RaSeb finds cute for some reasons