I was going to check myself, but then he said
this man was floating. Now, you just don’t waste a
cowboy’s time with such tomfoolery.
Now, once we finally hit the next desert town, we
didn’t waste any time or risk it at the saloons. This
was a town of around 30 folks, and I went door to door
with half of that, Tex hit the other half. Or he tried
to. During one of his first sales attempts, he
referred to me as La Espatula. The woman he was trying
to sell some animals to when he blurted that out came
out to me and planted a big kiss on me. I told her,
“Lady, that was appreciated after a month of...all of
this, but I don’t know who you are. I’m just a cowhand
trying to sell my herd.” She then tried to remind me
who she was. To keep up with the no real name
tradition, I thought of her just as “the blonde”.
“Sorry, but I just don’t know who you are. Normally,
all these days out there get to you, people and
memories start to fade away. But a face like that...is
too beautiful to fade away.”
I still got the mojo. That got her blushing so hard I
could feel it. But she was still convinced I was this
La Espatula, The Spatula. She grabbed my hand and
pulled me back towards the part of town she came from.
“You are him, I know it.” I tried to tell her I
wasn’t, but she was stubborn. “Ok then, what’s your
name?” Everything froze, all eyes were on me, probably
“I have no name,” I said after trying to figure out
the best possible response.
“Exactly,” she said. “You are La Espatula. And we need
you.” She took me inside the local store. The old man
took one look at me and his jaw dropped. He let her
into the back room, where I saw a safe. She opened it
in an instant and inside, there it was. The golden
spatula. She stuck it in my face, and I must admit, it
was quite intimidating for a spatula. “Certainly now
you must remember who you are! You can leave your
spatula behind, but you can never leave your legacy
behind! Take it. We need you and you will need this.”
I went with it and put the spatula in the spatula
holster I saw in there. I cleared out that safe and
got ready for action. “La Espatula,” the blonde
whispered in awe after I strapped everything on. “Now,
our little town has been overrun by bandits and
thieves, men who think they can do anything they want.
You know what to do.”
I did, but I couldn’t help but think, “isn’t there
anyone better to do this?” Before taking action into
my own hands, I asked, “Where is the sheriff?”
“Right here.” She handed me the sheriff’s badge. “The
sheriff ran out of town when the bandits became too
much to handle and gave all responsibility to the
first person he saw. I was the first person he saw.
That strategy doesn’t always work out right, you
“We didn’t see many bandits,” Tex said as he finally
caught up with us, drinking a carton of milk he got
from the store. “When do they usually show up around
“Three even. So that would be in three minutes. That’s
the magic number, I guess.”
We headed out of the store, waiting for these bandits.
I tipped my hat to get all the sun out of my face. I
told the blonde to get back into the store where it
was safe, she did. “Hey, you want me to give you a
hand with this?”
“No.” I took the turkey baster out and pointed it back
towards the store. “You too.” I put the thing back and
scanned the area.
There they were, trotting out into the middle of the
road cockily. There were 14 of them, almost all
younger men. There was an older man, he must have been
in his 50’s. He laughed and spoke up. “You the new
sheriff around here?”
“You could say that.” I wiggled my fingers, got them
“Well then this should be more fun than it used to be.
That blonde they used to have was easy on the eyes,
but let me tell you, it was just too easy. It just got
“Trust me,” I said, squinting hard. “This won’t be as
boring.” I took out a few packets of ketchup and
pounded one in my palm. I hit one of the bandits so
hard in the head it knocked him down. Without
blinking, I threw the next one in my palm, and
pounded, direct hit on another bandit. I got half a
dozen of them right there, but once I went for more
ketchup, they returned fire. But they had to go with
the typical route and use their guns. I knocked a
water trough over and took cover.
I ran towards the saloon, hiding from the gunfire
behind that. I took out two bottles of Windex clipped
to the back of my belt. I leapt out from the side of
the saloon and squirted at the bandits as they were
putting some more bullets into their guns. One or two
of them screamed, just because they were surprised, as
I hit their hands. Then as I got back up, they just
started laughing. I’ve never seen a bad guy laughing
so hard. They wiped their eyes once they got over the
giggles and it worked perfectly. They forgot the
Windex and were down on the ground screaming, rubbing
even harder with their Windexed hands.
So here it was. The showdown. Some of these bandits
went down with the Windex and after being the first to
feel the ketchup, the others didn’t dare to get up. It
was me and this head bandit. “So, this is how it has
to end now?”
“I suppose so.”
“I really hoped I could just loot like a normal
bandit,” he said, pacing himself in circles, as I did
the same just to make it seem like a cooler showdown.
“But no, I have to do all the work, again. I really
hate to shoot the sheriff without even knowing who he
is. But either I do that now or you say your last
words here.” He took out his gun. “So, Mr. Sheriff.
“My name is,” I said slowly. I unsheathed my spatula
quickly and knocked that pistol right out of his
hands. “La Espatula.” I whacked him in the back of the
knees with it and took him to the ground with a smack
to the face. I held the spatula between his eyes. “Any
last words, Mr...I didn’t get your name.” I saw the
top of the saloon being reflected in the face of my
golden spatula. I turned around, took two egg beaters
out of my hip holster and threw them at a man aiming
at me from the roof. He was knocked down and I whacked
the head bandit in the head again. He was done.
I was relieved to be done with all of this and threw
my spatula onto the ground. The blonde ran out and
hugged me. “You did it!” She was reasonably excited,
but I knew that she couldn’t be bothered with a man
like La Espatula much longer.
“I did it. But I would have done it for anyone. It was
only the right thing. I can’t stay here much longer.
It’s time for me to head off again.”
“But will I ever see you again? Will this town ever
see you again? Will anyone ever see La Espatula again?
I looked at my golden spatula. “No.” And with that, I
left that quirky town and its downed bandits. Tex and
I jumped on our bookas and returned for home. It was
easier than I thought to go back since all our buffalo
and monkeys were missing. I later heard of an
underground buffalo community, but I heard the same of
the monkeys, so it must be easy to get those figured
out. I reckon we were due to leave anyways. Once we
reached the highway on our bookas, Tex jumped off,
fell to his knees and screamed out, “It was earth all
A month in the desert can remind you who you are. Or
it can just really mess with your head and confuse
you. Call it what you want, but maybe there’s a reason
the cowfolk don’t roam the country no more. Nah, there
can’t be a reason, but there’s a reason I’m not one of
them. It’s just too much work, not enough reward for
me. Besides, everyone wants you policing their towns.
So my cowboy days are over. I never saw Tex again, we
went our separate ways once we found the highway. Once
I got back Onett, I went over to the drug store and
bought myself a spatula. Just since I didn’t get
anything else to remember this by. That’s enough
action for a while. Although, my mailbox was hit by a
few ninja stars as I was typing this up.