Ness vs. Jason
by

Jim
Monday, August 18, 2003

(Author...err...Typistís note: The following article was written by Jason, but typed out elsewhere due to Jasonís busy schedule. Mr. Voorhees was video taped as he ďwroteĒ this article detailing a possible Ness vs. Jason battle. The typistís identity has been concealed to protect the innocent.)

(Jason approaches the camera slowly and is about to deliver his response to the Ness vs. Jason question. However, he raises his machete and walks past the camera. An unsuspecting teenage camper, who has somehow stumbled upon this newsroom, is decapitated instantly. Jason is driven towards the screams of other unsuspecting teenagers and walks slowly down the hall.)

(Jason returns after a brief absence, a little bloodied up. He appears to be uninjured.)

Jason: Ungh.

(Jason is struck from behind by an axe-wielding teenager. He throws her through the office wall, leading me to believe that Ness, carrying a bat, would not be able to do much more to Jason.)

(Jason grabs an unsuspecting news intern and throws him into the office. He then proceeds to stab the intern with such an intensity that I interpreted to display his disappointment towards how one-sided a Ness vs. Jason fight would really be.)

(Jason throws my desk into the hallway, somehow gruesomely injuring a single passerby. It is safe to assume that this is his way of saying, as The Terminator would say, ďI now know why you cry. But itís something I can never do.Ē Further speculation makes it painfully obvious that Jason is eagerly anticipating a much more challenging fight, such as one against The Terminator or future hall of fame boxer ďIronĒ Mike Tyson, rather than an unaging small-town boy.)

(Jason pets a kitten that happens to walk past all the carnage and into the office. The machete is pressed against me, signifying that I would be murdered if I were to state that this move was merely political. Jasonís new sympathetic image remains untarnished.)

(Jason stabs an intern. Frustrated by his inability to control his desire to kill, he sticks his hand in front of the camera to signify that the taping is over. He runs off, disappointed in himself. Cameras follow at a safe distance.)

(Jason arrives at Nessís house and knocks the door down, ready for the final and first confrontation. Ness takes his right hand off the remote, and eats a Mentos. He concentrates for a second and uses PSI brain shock. Jason stabs himself with the machete, and walks after admitting defeat in his crazy state. Tracy pays off a $5 bet with her mom. It is rumored that this move may have ruined Jasonís political career, due to both the fake sympathy and the losing a highly anticipated fight like that.)
 



 
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