Sidebar Suggestions
by

Jim
Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Dear ENC Editor(s),

Recently, I, G.E. Monotoli, was fortunate enough to come across the recently founded Eagleland News Central site. First off, I would like to applaud you on your triumphs, which have been abundant throughout your brief site history, which spans less than a month. I find the site to be a quick, informative source of news as well as an entertaining site with which I am in constant amusement by. Kudos, chap(s).

Among the content that caught my eye was the side bar and the contest concerning the said bar. As a weathered entrepreneur myself, I can assure you that my 50 years - 57 years if you include my various endeavors prior to my completion of college - of business experience will work to bring you, at the minimum, one satisfactory suggestion. I am not a writer nor an internet webmaster, but I have hired some of the best, especially in recent times using Stephen King to write a brief, one-page novella for a magazine ad, and my various experiences using Yoda to manipulate the computer into producing an aesthetically pleasing website, www.monotoli.eb, for my billion dollar business. While I have a feeling Yoda would only use this side bar for various company links, it seems you have already chosen a section of web site space to serve such a purpose.

Since the expected response of Yoda has failed us, I am left to myself to provide an answer to the riddle concerning this as of yet unused sidebar. As both a businessman and an active man in the racing world, a gut instinct is to reserve this bar for advertisers. While the current budget of Monotoli Inc. does not allow for much excess spending on advertising, I am flexible on such matters and will pay for this advertising out of my own wallet. Please contact me at monodaman@monotoli.eb to discuss further details of such an advertising deal if interested.

Since we are discussing an advertising deal, I would like to suggest, in the event of a failure to reach an agreement, that you give free advertising to the already classic Arnold Schwartzenegger film, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Not only would this give proper advertising to a deserving cause, but it would keep a crucial demographic interested in the site since it is painfully obvious that nothing will hold the attention of a male between the ages of 16-35 or a female between the ages of 16-77 as greatly as a cybernetic machine disguised as a muscular naked male would. Once this film has completed its theatrical run, it is advised that you use the sidebar to display various photographic images of Mr. Schwarzenegger to keep the attention of the previously mentioned demographic.

As a wealthy, old businessman who constantly finds himself stuck in his office due to the overwhelming work presented, it is quite fascinating to note the difficulty of getting a pizza quickly enough to satisfy my hunger at the optimal moment and furthermore, it is equally as difficult to find a pizza that meets my standards. It seems that far too many pizzas are made with much haste and delivered so slowly it seems as if the roads of Fourside are good for nothing more than impenetrable pileups commonly seen in films similar to the one mentioned in a prior paragraph, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.

While Mach Pizza is not my preferred pizza, they are the fastest and have developed a new technology utilizing the internet. This internet tool is placed in web site bars similar to the one featured on the ENC website. This tool, gives you the option of selecting the pizza you want as well as any other items featured on the menu. However, I have found an expanded menu which asks you by which method of transportation you would prefer the pizza be delivered, including delivery by helicopter, which is the most convenient for me. In desperate attempts to save money, Mach Pizza limits its phone time to cut electricity usage, so this delivery question is never asked over the phone. Although these electricity woes could be more easily solved merely by removing the computer used to track these online orders, the phone girl gets awfully bitter if she gets bored, so the computer is a necessity.

I have noticed the emphasis on writing presented at ENC. I would like to note that most novels are only 60,000 to 80,000 words long. If you write one sentence a day in this side bar, it will likely average out to ten words a sentence, resulting in a full novel in only 6,000 to 8,000 days. That will average out to 7,000 days per novel. While one novel would be more than many people write in their lives, writing at this pace would give you a minimum of three full novels written in your lifetime.

I am awaiting your response to my suggestions and am in hopes that you will consider my ideas. Please note that in case I am not available at the time of the awarding of the miscellaneous points, my public relations agent will be available and will have a worthy charitable cause ready to receive this points.

Regards,
Geralde E. Monotoli

(Note: Since this e-mail was sent through an experimental Escargo Express e-mail provider, the delivery was delayed by weeks. Monotoli is not eligible for any misc. points, no matter which charity he was planning on donating to.)
 



 
 Written by    Title  Date Published  Category  
 Jim
Written by Jackie
 Eaglelandian Idol  July 22, 2003  Music & Entertainment
Article reviewed by the Critic
 Jim
Written by Lier X. Agreate
 Avast, Ye Scurvy Cur  July 27, 2003  Adventure
Article of the Month of July 2003
 Jim
Written by Ghost Everdread
 The Hows and Whats of Being Dead  July 28, 2003  The Ghost Everdread Saga 1
Winner of the Mad Duck Prize for articles that RaSeb finds cute for some reasons
 Jim, RaSeb
Written by Chief Strong and Talah Rama
 Chief Strong vs. Talah Rama Debate Transcript  July 28, 2003  The Ghost Everdread Saga 3
 
 Jim
Written by Mondo Mole #1
 Why I Chose #3  August 3, 2003  Letters
 
 Jim
Written by G.E. Monotoli
 Sidebar Suggestions  August 13, 2003  Letters
Winner of the Teddy Prize for showing a constent level of 'Awesomeness'!
 Jim
Written by Jason
 Ness vs. Jason  August 18, 2003  Transcript
Manly Fish's Price for Humour! August 2003
 Jim
Written by Captain Chill (Police chief Elwood McCool)
 Summers Crime Log #1  Sept 7, 2003  Justice
Winner of the 'Tell all your friends about this awesome article!' badge.
 Jim
Written by Nessís Dad, Freelance Reporter
 Former Shark Breaks Into Wrestling  Sept 7, 2003  Sports
 
 Jim
Written by Lier X. Agreate
 The New Wild West  Sept 16, 2003  Adventure
Article of the Month of Sebtember 2003
 Jim
Written by Captain Chill (Police chief Elwood McCool)
 Summers Crime Log, Week Two  Sept 16, 2003  Justice
 
 Jim
Written by Nessís Dad, Freelance Reporter
 Expos to Eagleland?  Nov. 31, 2003  Sports
Manly Fish's Price for Humour! November 2003
 Jim
Written by Nessís Dad, Freelance Reporter
 Lewis Challenges Ness  Jan. 11, 2004  Sports
 
 Jim
Written by Onett Burger Girl
 My Burger Brings All the Boys to My Yard  Jan. 30, 2004  Letters
Article of the Month of January 2003