Merry Christmas!!! Take Your Gift and Go Already
by

The Great Garlic
Wednesday, August 9, 2006

It was the first snow of the year, which meant it was almost Christmas, which, for me, meant having to see family, listen to annoying children, and, most disgusting of all, generously purchase gifts for relatives I don’t care about in any regard. Why couldn’t I just keep digging for gold or artifacts? That’s what I enjoy doing. Who knows, I may strike it rich one of these days by finding the biggest vein of gold, or various weapons of the people that used to inhabit this land, or even the lost city of Atlantis. It would be best if I could find the bright wealthy utopia that is Atlantis.

On that snowy morn my little friend Ness paid me a visit and went into great detail of how he was going to get everyone in his family a gift and have a splendorous time. I can’t recollect what he had told me mainly due to the fact that I hadn’t ate breakfast and that when people start going on about Christmas I generally have a memory lapse.

After his fortunate departure, I ate my breakfast, which was composed of a head of garlic and green tea (have to keep strong!), and I left to go to the Drug Store to see what merchandise I could get.

I eat garlic to keep strong, but the cold wind bit me, so I went back into my house to retrieve my jacket. After shoveling through a pile of laundry that I said I would clean five years ago, and still get my clothing from, I found my jacket, a nice dull green with holes conveniently located in the armpits.

As I strolled down the hill on which I live, a brisk wind kicked up, and snow danced across my face. I did my best to avoid Ness and his Christmas cheer, but I couldn’t, and I was forced into a short intercourse with him.

“Hey, Lier,” he cried across that snowy plain, “wait up.” I stopped reluctantly, and he ran up to me with a gleaming smile and spirit; I could scarcely bare to lay my eyes upon it. He came to my side and was huffing with great gravity. “Merry Christmas,” he said while gasping, “you going off to find some gifts for family.”

“Yes,” said I with my fists and teeth clenched. “Really,” he yelped with great zeal, “I love giving and receiving gifts. It places me in my own little, uhh, utopia!” He had to say “utopia,” which is the last thing I correlate with Christmas. With a wealth of heated rage I said, without exploding, “I got to go shopping, so buzz off, will ya?” “Will do,” he said eagerly, and he ran off into the shrouding snow disappearing with all his glee.

Shortly after I made it to the store, the Drug Store, which had been adorned with variously colored bulgy lights so that they could spread holiday cheer into all the souls that should happen upon it, but my drear veiled the bliss from my sight and hid the happiness from my heart. I open the door, “Merry Christmas” yawps the door-alarm, which causes me to shudder in fright as I enter the haven of delectable sweets, playful toys, and smiling faces, and I ignore all of them. Not with a hint of concern I amble about the shop picking things in a haphazard manner while saying under my breath to whom they are to go. After loading the burden onto the glistening counter the woman behind it says ecstatically, “Have we a happy family now? I can see the faces of them already, but I know not your family, O silly me…” and she kept rambling and rambling and rambling. I would have stayed to get more, for a warmth entered me as I made the purchase, but I couldn’t unless I was to lose my house to more tax evasion.

That same peace that I felt at the store fell on me again when I was wrapping those gifts for my family. I could see all their faces right before me, and then I, having become so weary of this gift wrapping, fell asleep.

Not too long later I was at my family’s party and had set all my presents to be given under the tree. I didn’t want to look at all those faces, so I went into the bathroom until I heard mom yell, “Kay y’all, git in here so we can open da presents!”

I shot up and walked calmly into the parlor. All the little children were beaming over the gifts they had received, and I could barely stand to look at their faces without a great feeling of disgust coming over me like somebody had been dripping okra slime down my throat in the night. Mom handed me a box, and as a knee-jerk reaction I opened it. A tie, it was a brand new tie, which was something that I really needed.

After that I looked upon the faces of the children again to see hoe they had reacted. I couldn’t take my eyes off their faces pouring forth an opulence of happiness, and this made my never want to leave for who wants to leave with such bliss around him aside from Scrooge himself.

Unfortunately for me, it was getting late, and mom told me to get home, “ the door only swings one way Lier, and you left so you stay left.” I understood and made my way out.

On my way home all I could think of was how Christmas had eluded me again, so I decided that I was to go home and forget this so that I could find that vein of gold, or the artifacts, of that city called Atlantis.
 



 
 Written by    Title  Date Published  Category  
 The Great Garlic
Narrated by Frank
 The Wave: Origins  Dec 21, 2005  History
Winner of the Mad Duck Prize for articles that RaSeb finds cute for some reasons
 The Great Garlic
Written by An Insane Happy-Happiest Cultist
 The Color  Dec 21, 2005  Speech
Winner of the Teddy Prize for showing a constent level of 'Awesomeness'!
 The Great Garlic
Written by the Tenda Chief
 A Day in Tenda  Dec 21, 2005  Letters
Article of the Month of December 2005
 The Great Garlic
From the View of Jeff
 Gold Rush  Dec 21, 2005  Letters
The rotating cat badge is like food.
 The Great Garlic
Written by the Flyin men
 The Olympics  Dec 21, 2005  Sports
 
 The Great Garlic
Written by Lier X. Agerate
 Merry Christmas!!! Take Your Gift and Go Already  August 9, 2006  Letters
I participated in the holiday contest! woo!
 The Great Garlic
Written by Pokey Minch
 Chinese Dine Out  August 9, 2006  Food
 
 The Great Garlic
Written by the Wandering Sax Player of Onett
 An Ode to the Sea  August 9, 2006  Poetry
 
 The Great Garlic
Written by the Dungeon Man
 Deep Sea Fishing  August 19, 2006  Sports
 
 The Great Garlic
Written by the Ness's Father
 Secret  August 19, 2006  Letters
 
 The Great Garlic
Written by the Kraken
 Kraken Tales  August 19, 2006  Letters
 
 The Great Garlic
Written by Jeff
 Jeff and the Super Robot: Pallas Awakened  August 21, 2006  Super Robot Series
 
 The Great Garlic
Written by the Apple Kid
 Giant’s Step: A Fake?  August 21, 2006  Conspiracy Theory
 
 The Great Garlic
Written by the Ness
 Music Master  August 21, 2006  Letters
 
 The Great Garlic
Written by Giygas
 Rise to Shame I: Cannon Ride  Sept 10, 2007  Autobiography
New!
 The Great Garlic
Written by Giygas
 Rise to Shame II: Off to the Circus  Sept 10, 2007  Autobiography
New!
 The Great Garlic
Written by Giygas
 Rise to Shame III: Tossing Chunks  Sept 10, 2007  Autobiography
New!
 The Great Garlic
Written by Dr Andonuts
 Math Up: Hirmonoculos  Sept 10, 2007  Science
New!
 The Great Garlic
Written by Dr Andonuts
 Homeopathic Cures  Sept 10, 2007  Science
New!
 The Great Garlic
Written by Dr Andonuts
 Meteor: The Ride of a Life and Planet  Sept 10, 2007  History
New!
 The Great Garlic
Written by Frank Fly
 The Wave: Fester  Sept 10, 2007  History
New!
 The Great Garlic
Written by the Underworld Tenda
 Scourges  Sept 10, 2007  History
New!
 The Great Garlic
Written by the Anti-Raseb and his magic pencil
 The Grayish Market  Sept 10, 2007  Anti-fanmail
New!