Rise to Shame I: Cannon Ride
an Autobiography by

The Great Garlic
Monday, September 10, 2007

I am infamous.

Infamous, this word was not one word I wanted stuck to me as a child. I grew up in Kloathuriam on the planet of Cnorizaonth. As a young Cnorizaonthian, I enjoyed all the normal kid things: lasers, blood, severed heads, thoughts of universal domination, and hopscotch, but most of all I enjoyed the hopscotch. I was possibly the best hopscotcher of all time: turning pro at four. Nobody could top me. I became too good at hopscotch. I almost killed the sport. To revive it, I had to go, and that is what they did.

Shortly after I turned six, some hopscotch officials came by to “celebrate” with me. When they got me alone, they put me in a mega-cannon and blasted me right through the Xiaoloitagga radiation belt. As soon as I got in the belt, I saw things like extra noses growing. My people don’t need air, water, or food to live, just light; we are a photosynthetic people, but not like plants. All I need is light, nothing else. I sat in that belt for thirty-six years, and, as a result, bitterness festered up in me; I had plans of universal doom now.

Changed so much, and with now greatly endowed powers, I looked down at the planet for the last time knowing I would gobble it up once I finished my plans. I left. Radiated so much, I could produce my own gravitational forces that propelled me. I had a long time to journey and a long time to plan, but at this point I knew I wanted to gobble up all in this universe.

I slowly began eating planets, regardless of the life there if there was any. My powers multiplied. They multiplied in a special way. You see, powers grow based off your age when you leave the Xiaoloitagga belt, and I left at the mystical age of forty-two. Forty-two allowed my powers to grow quickly, but not so quickly that I needed surgery to remove my appendix, which is the most necessary organ in Cnorizaonthians. It allows us to take in light.

When I hit the ripe age of three hundred twenty-seven, I landed in a giant vortex of space. I was to be stuck for a long time by my perspective, but in reality because of the physics of hypospace it lasted only a couple seconds. In this odd reservoir of physics bending hypospace-time, I had much time to plot, and, boy, did I really get a nasty plan to seek my vengeance upon the Cnorizaontians who had hatefully tossed out my skills in hopscotch.
 



 
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