(Note: The views stated in this talk show are solely the opinions and ideals of those who speak them and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of ENC, Firestorm Chameleon, or any other of ENC's affiliates.)
Minch: Hello, everybody. You are listening to the Aloysius Minch Show on ETR: Eagleland Talk Radio. After the last showís bloody carnage, I was kicked off the network and demoted to radio. But the specifics donít really matter. Iím Aloysius Minch, and today weíll be discussing a topic of growing concern in Eagleland: public safety. If you havenít noticed, certain parts of Eagleland are becoming more and more prone to crime and vandalism, even in a time well after Giygasí defeat at the hands of my old neighbor and the cooling off of the Bad Key Crisis. People are scared to walk the streets for fear of their lives. People are afraid to go to work, scared that their store may be robbed. Theft and gun sales are on the rise. Letís cut to chase, shall we? On out panel right now, we have four different opinions on how this issue is to be resolved. First, we have a man who has brought himself up to success. In fact, he is the republican candidate running for president of Eagleland against former mayor of Fourside, Geldegarde Monotoli, who is still recuperating from his injuries on the previous show. Please welcome Onett mayor Pirkle.
Pirkle: Can we make this quick? I had to pull a lot of strings to be here today.
Minch: Did you?
Pirkle: But of course. Iím a very busy man. Vote for me!
Minch: Okay, thatís enough. Save it for the presidential debate. Weíre not here to discuss your status as a presidential candidate. Next up, we have a man with a beautiful message: spread peace, not war. A well known pacifist and leader of several non-violent ďSave NatureĒ protests. He wishes not to be called by his real name and instead prefers to go by New Age Retro Hippie.
Hippie: Hey, dudes. Iím so glad to be here today. Iím getting a real positive aura from this studio. Itís great.
Minch: Riiiiight. Anyway, out third panelist is a woman I have been previously acquainted with. Her name is Electra, and she used to be my sonís maid when we worked at the Monotoli building. Hello again, Electra.
Electra: Hello, Aloysius and everyone listening at home.
Minch: Okey Dokey, our last panelist is well accquainted the world of machinery, especially for someone his age. Please welcome Apple Kid.
Apple Kid: Greetings.
Minch: Alright, letís get this show on the road. Letís start with you, Pirkle. How do we keep people from running amok on the streets and pounding the lights out of each other with baseball bats, crowbars, and other such tools?
Pirkle: Well, thatís an easy question to answer, Minch. Itís simple: Vote for me as your next president!
Minch: How is that going to help?
Pirkle: If I am elected your next president, I promise to crack down on crime like no tomorrow. Crime rates will drop by at least %50, gun sales will go down, stores will have cheaper items and everyone will live happier and easier lives.
Electra: And how are you going to do that? At least do something other than trumpet about how great you THINK you are.
Pirkle: Iíll accomplish my promises by establishing a larger police force and send more cops out on the beat at once, ready to annihilate crime wherever it rears its ugly head.
Minch: Well, thatís an interesting viewpoint you have there. Apple Kid, I notice youíve been shaking your head this whole time.
Apple Kid: Why, yes I have.
Apple Kid: I canít stand politicians. Nothing but a bunch of cheaters and liars. They never do what they say theyíre going to do and leave people like me, who are trying to get their ingenious inventions published, to fend for ourselves.
Pirkle: Nobodyís interested in your kiddie lab toys. If we wanted childrenís opinionsÖ
Electra: You see, thatís the problem!
Minch: What is?
Electra: The children! Weíre putting on a bad influence for them! All these violent movies and video games.
Apple Kid: I beg to differ. Video games are an excellent source of entertainment as are movies. They allow people to unwind and forget about their daily troubles.
Electra: I wasnít finished, sweetie.
Apple Kid: I didnít need you to finish, I can see where this is going. Youíre like those overprotective mothers who flinch every time somebody throws a punch in a movie. People like you make me ill, quite frankly. Iíve seen ten different Bruce Lee movies, and I never even thought about doing a spinning dragon kick on someone.
Electra: Before I was rudely interrupted, have you ever heard of a game called Grand Theft Auto?
Hippie: Thatís a totally rad game, man! Allows me to release all of my negative, harmful energies. I donít like bad energies, man.
Electra: There it is again! Manners! Yet again, I was interrupted. Now, I wonít take long, so just listen to what I have to say. This is a talk show; part of itís about listening.
Pirkle: You were saying?
Electra: Right, Grand Theft Auto. Hereís a game that allows you to gun down an innocent civilian in cold blood. Then you can shoot the paramedics that come to help and then steal their ambulance. You run over several more people before the cops tip the vehicle. Then you kill the cops and take their car! It never ends!
Minch: Good point. If violent video games such as Grand Theft Auto, Mortal Kombat, and Doom were to be taken off the shelves, would we see safer streets?
Pirkle: NO! NO! NO! NO! Keep the games where they are! Thatís what the rating system is for! If you donít want your children playing violent video games and filling their heads with disturbing, traumatizing images, you shouldnít buy them rated M games! Check the labels, itís common sense! Theyíre not there for decoration.
Electra: I see your point, but there are kids who have friends whose parents donít give a flip about that, and they can play the games at their friendsí house. I vote no to violence in video games!
Hippie: But Grand Theft Auto is a total stress reliever, man. Like the other day, I was really mad at my boss and was exerting some massive negative energies. It was really bringing me down. I put GTA into my PS2 and saw a man who looked exactly like my boss. After stabbing him to death with a screwdriver, it really killed my negative energies. It was great.
Pirkle: If I may make a point, these games help keep the kids off the streets. How is a kid going to throw a brick through a window when heís at home playing Mortal Kombat?
Electra: That isnít the point. I don't believe our economy has room for such trash, to be honest.
Apple Kid: Oh, please. Our economy needs all the help it can get.
Hippie: Iím sensing some really bad energies here, dudes. Itís totally not cool.
Minch: Okay, all of your talk about energies is really starting to creep me out a bit, so weíll get back to you later. Apple Kid, what are your thoughts on keeping crime off of our streets?
Apple Kid: According to painstaking research, many people take up destructive activities due to personal problems. Maybe theyíre bullied at school. Maybe their parents are getting a divorce or are alcoholic. Perhaps things arenít going good with the opposite gender.
Pirkle: Well, duh! But how do we stop people from taking their anger out on the good people of Eagleland? Itís bad for my campaign.
Apple Kid: SCIENCE!
Apple Kid: Yes, science! The single greatest thing in this universe. Why would you want to rob a store when you could be confronting lifeís greater problems and mysteries? Who are we? Where did we come from? Is there other life out there? How much time does this planet have left? If more people got into this kind of stuff, theyíd realize how meaningless their problems are. I donít want to mug somebody when Iím inventing a new device to help mankind.
Hippie: Totally, man! Sometimes when Iím lying awake at night, I wonder what else is out there, man.
Pirkle: Not everyone is a deep thinker like you. People tend to think more about how theyíre going to feed their families and pay for the roofs over their heads, and I believe thatís why people rob stores: To pay for their every day expenses. They rob stores to keep on living.
Apple Kid: And why would they do that? Bad economy. Because politicians only care about their own issues and donít focus on the lower class people. Filthy republicans like you only care about the rich and want to get rid of social security. Whatís fair about a 65 year old man with only one kidney and a failing liver having to do construction work 40 hours a week?
Pirkle: Well, youíre only a kid, so you wouldnít understand about politics.
Electra: See? About children again. I think you make a nice point, Apple Kid. Schools should have more science and politics based afterschool programs.
Apple Kid: I understand better than you think, Pirkle. If youíre complaining about our economy and you know itís causing problems, then why donít you do something about it?!
Minch: Iím sensing some tensions here, so letís move on. New Age Retro Hippie, how would you go about cleaning up crime?
Hippie: Get more people into nature, man. Go for walks in the woods and such. It really helps you to appreciate and understand nature. I myself am at one with nature, and Iíve never thought about stealing a car, man. Iím always at peace. I love everyone and everything. Fresh air, man. Itís good for you.
Electra: I, for one, love a good walk in the park. Helps me unwind after a hard day in the office.
Apple Kid: I prefer to sit quietly at home, trying to get my inventions published.
Minch: Okay, Hippie, earlier you were talking about energies or whatnot. What does all that mean?
Hippie: Itís really not hard to understand. All nice things, like flowers, birds, and this studio, emit positive energies that are cleansing to the soul. Bad things, like violence or our pompous friend Pirkle here, exert negative energies. I learned to sense those energies. Theyíre everywhere, man!
Pirkle: Nobody needs to hear about your nature hikes and energies, Hippie. The only thing we need is to vote Pirkle for president!
Minch: Iíve had just about enough of you, Pirkle. Need I remind you that youíre only running for president because the pervious Republican candidate died of cancer? Youíre no big shot. Youíre just a creepy little man with no way of saving this country. I vote no for Pirkle!
Apple Kid: Now youíre talking!
Pirkle: Hey, be nice, fellas. Youíre looking at your next president!
Electra: You havenít been elected yet. I donít need this. Iím outta here. (Leaves.)
Apple Kid: Good, now that sheís left, I can finally do something Iíve been waiting to do! (Tackles Pirkle.)
Pirkle: Oof! (Apple Kid starts slamming Pirkleís head into the table.)
Hippie: No, stop the fighting, man. I hate violence! The bad energies, man. Bad energies! Noooooooooooo! (Runs away.)
Minch: Do I need to get an arena for my guests to fight in?
Apple Kid: Oh, look. Is this your campaign pencil? Is it?
Pirkle: Give me back my pencil! I only have one of those!
Apple Kid: Oh, yeah? (Stabs Aloysius with the pencil, and then destroys the pencil with a pencil eraser.)
Pirkle: Dang it! Youíll pay dearly for this insult someday, I promise. (Leaves.)
Apple Kid: Iím outta here. (Leaves.)
Minch: And, with another episode of the Aloysius Minch show ending in violence, I want to thank all of you who were listening today and I hope this show has changed your views on public safety. Tune in next week, same time, same place.