Reporter 1: Hello and merry Christmas, everybody. We have a lot of news for you on this fine holiday, including sports and weather updates, as well as local, national, and global news, and celebrity news as well. We'll also take a look at the terrible blizzard that struck Fourside last night.

Yes, Santa did come to Eageland at midnight, filling children's homes and thier hearts with presents and various stocking stuffers. However, Santa did skip one home: The Minch home. A home filled with naughty children on Santa's list. They got nothing this year. Local hero Ness got a brand new baseball bat, and that has re-ignited an old rivalry between him and troublemaker Pokey.

A local man was taken into the Onett hospital today. One Lier X. Aggerate was nearly blindsided by an Annoying Old Party Man who was driving under the influence of alchohol. Out of desparation, Lier slammed on his breaks. His pickup skidded across the icy road and crashed into a street sign. Lier was thrown through his windsheild by the impact and hit the sign face first. Mayor Pirkle has charged him with the destruction of city property, and the old drunk was arrested for D.U.I.

In the biggest crime ever witnessed by Onettians, an arcade machine was stolen from the local arcade late last night. The owner claimed that the Tekken 4 machine was unaccounted for. If anyone has any information of the whereabouts of the Tekken 4 machine, you are urged to tell the police immidiately. We now go to Hassan in Scaraba for global news.

Hassan: Hello, everybody. It Christmas here, but it 100 degrees. I laugh it all of you, standing twelve inches in your snow, cold as ice! Scaraba is never cold, always hot. Anyway, eyewitness claimed that Kraken was revived and destroyed nearby ship. What a crock of honkey, eh? We all know Kraken dead. Local man died of suntroke. Oh, well, he was 90 years old, he was going to die soon anyway. Christmas was good here. The Sand King is our Santa Claus. He delivers dried beef and other goodies to good children in thier hollowed out goliath scarabs. I tell you, Scaraba is...

Reporter 1: Yes, thank you Hassan, but nobody in Eagleland really wants to know how hot it is in Scaraba or how Scarabians spend thier Christmas. We now go to our broadcast team in Fourside, which was buried under twenty inches of snow in a terrible blizzard that struck there last night.

Reporter 2: We are with you live in Fourside and, as you can see, all roads have been blocked due to the insane piles of snow here. The tunnel to Threed is once again closed, though Threed is nice and warm because they live next to they desert. Our snowmobiles can't even dig through all of this snow, so all business will have to wait until it all melts. If you are planning on coming to Fourside for the holidays, DON'T! Many people are trapped in thier homes, and what better day to it than today? I mean, it's Christmas! Nobody wants to go anywhere, nobody has to work, so I say, what are you all complaining about? You get to relax and enjoy your Christmas at home while I'm here at work! Stop whining, or my news crew and I will come and dig you out ourselves so I can make examples out of you!

Reporter 1: Thank you, Fourside news crew. We now go to our sports broadcaster for all of your sports information.

Sports Reporter: Hello, everybody, we have all of your sports new here. Our hometown skiing hero, Frank Fly, was injured during the annual Winters Skiing Expo after he hit a rock. He stumbled forward and has a ruptured disk in his neck where he landed. Frank also has hypothermia after his tumbling landed him paralyzed into a freezing lake, where emergency crews had to pull him out. Good news is, the Eaglelandian Sharks defeated the Dalameese Gurus in thier Cristmas basketball game, putting the Sharks in the top tier against Summers for the global finals. The high school football game is cancelled today due to adverse weather. Let's go over to Twoson for our celebrity news.

Reporter 4: Hello, you are with celebrity news. Singer Venus sued a Fourside hotel after she spilled scalding hot coffee on her lap. A bellman claimed that the coffee cup came to life and shook itself out of Venus' hand, but we're not buying that story.

The Runaway Five have come back to Twoson today for a reunion Cristmas party to be thrown at midnight. If anybody would like to have a drink with the Runaway 5, everyone is welcome. It is being held at the Chaos Theatre. That's all the celebrity news we have, and we're going back to Onett.

Reporter 1: Thank you, Twoson newscrew. Next we have your weather report. Expect it to snow here in Onett tonight, temperatures are expected to drop in the negatives, so dress warm and drive carefully. That's all the news we have for you today. Tune in at 10:00 for more news with ENC, where we have all the news that's fit to hear.