On the Trail of the Key Machine
by

Firestorm Chamelion
Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Me and the police force of Eagleland read Maxwell’s letter to ENC and decided to give him a temporary break. So, we headed to Winters to find Maxwell. Upon interrogating Labs, he claimed to have loaned the Bad Key Machine to a fellow student named Jeff Andonuts while Labs was still attending Snow Wood. We then paid Andonuts a visit. From his story, he gave the machine to his friend Ness. It was a long trip back to good ol’ Onett from Winters, but we finally made it to Ness’ house. Ness claimed he gave the machine to his friend, Lier X. Aggerate as a souvenir after Ness saved the world. After a couple donuts and a cup of coffee, me and my boys dropped in on Aggerate, who, in a report with us, claimed: “Yeah, it was a pretty dumb gift. I didn’t know what to do with it, so I sold it at my garage sell about a year ago. Some weird dude with a mustache and goat’s beard bought it. He was obsessed with the color blue.” The man’s description led us to a man known only as The Carpainter. Knowing that Carpainter lived in Happy Happy Villiage, a remote countryside town, we teamed up with some guys from the Twoson P.D. and headed for Happy Happy. After squeezing some info outta Carpainter, he revealed that the Bad Key Machine was stolen by a couple of punks dressed in funny black suits, wielding skateboards and pogosticks. We knew it was the Sharks, a gang back in Onett. After a night’s rest and some more donuts, we went to the burger shop in Onett and questioned Frank Fly, former leader of the Sharks. He told us an old friend of his found the Key Machine and pawned it on the streets. Fly gave us an address. We paid his friend a visit, who told us that a man from Threed claiming to have lost the keys to his house bought the device. I was really getting frustrated and ate a box of a dozen donuts, then took the bus to Threed. With Threed not being a very large town, we gathered some intel from various citizens. Their reports led us to the house of a biker. He told us that he sold the device on the streets in Fourside after he found his original set of keys. So, after another box of donuts and a stay in Threed, I headed towards Fourside. Finding the machine in a city that size would be tough, but I wasn’t giving up. I decided to go to the Monotoli Building, the central HQ of Fourside. I learned about a man who runs a junk shop in a back alley, so I paid a visit to his shop. When I asked about the Key Machine, he said he recalled buying it from some nobody. A few weeks later, he sold it to man from Summers who was on vacation and bought the device to be displayed in his museum. I slapped my forehead in frustration and made preparations to go to Summers. After staying the night in Onett, I got my bags together and boarded a plane bound for Summers. When I finally got there, I went to the museum and spoke with Mr. Fork. He said that a very rich man, apparently a businessman, bribed him into selling the device the and that he was going back to his home in Deep Darkness. After slapping my self in the head again, I went back to Onett and took a police copter down to Deep Darkness, which existed beyond Eagleland, in a country called Scaraba. When I landed in Deep Darkness, I saw him. The con artist. I could smell a con a mile away, so I interrogated him. He was acting really suspicious, almost like he wanted to get rid of me. I started to throw it on real heavy and threatened him with police brutality. He caved in. The con admitted to duplicating the device and selling it online. Satisfied that I finally cracked the case of the Bad Key crisis, I cuffed up the con and took him back with me to Onett, where he is to this day. There is still a problem, though. Bad Key Machines are everywhere, and we, the police force of Eagleland, will start cracking down to find them all and destroy them. So criminals, beware. We could be right behind you when you decide to pull out the Bad Key Machine. If anybody sees a Bad Key Machine lying around the streets, you are encouraged to bring them to the nearest police department.
 



 
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