I Hate Kids
by

Firestorm Chamelion
Tuesday, April 5, 2005

Hi there. I am your friendly neighborhood real estate broker, and I am writing to you... from a jail cell. Let me tell you my story of why such a clean, respectable man such as myself is here.

Right, so here I am, in a stinking, moldy, dark jail cell, and it's all because of some stupid kid! If there is one thing I hate, it's a kid. Kids are snotty, annoying, they ALL have girly voices, even the boys, they are genuinely helpess and worthless, and they are plain trouble makers. One such troublemaker is a kid named Ness. Like The Kraken, Poo, Master Criminal Worm, and Trash Can before me, I am writing about how much I hate Ness and how much he doesn't deserve all of the credit he's achieved. It's because of that vile little puke that I am here and why I hate kids so much. I was a normal, happy real estate salesman once for Break Point Realty. I've sold a lot of homes and was a pretty renowned salseman. I've sold homes in Happy Happy Village, Threed, Fourside... and Onett. I hate that town. It's spawn is Ness and the dirty, cramped up, BORING cell that I am in right now. Anyway, there was a house I was supposed to selling here, near the ocean. It was nice and clean and it came with a lovely ocean view when I first started, but when I went to my own little place of rest and woke up in the morning, it was totally trashed! One of the walls was completely torn down, chairs were turned over and left over pizza crusts littered the floor. The only evidence I had was an old magazine. Only one thing remained the same; that was the ocean view. Nevertheless, I still had to sell that home, or I'd be fired. I sure didn't want to loose my job over some punk kids who can't keep themselves from destroying property. I had talked to a guy the day before, and he came back to buy it. Lucky for him, he hadn't signed any contracts, because he took one look at the place and said, "What kind of lame joke is this? You suck!" and then he used some "sign language" walked off. Now I was really in trouble. I HAD to sell that house. I tried everything, but nobody wanted to buy it. I told lies about how nice it was, and how everybody should have thier own home. I told them of the pleasures of havin an ocean view. I even took the price down to $7500! That is very, very cheap for a house, but still nobody was stupid enough to buy it. I have to do something, I thought. Being the smart guy that I am and using deductive reasoning, I knew I was faced with my final option: Take advantage of a stupid kid. Isn't that always the final option? You know, it's like, you give a kid a gun and tell him, "Hey, I'll give you some candy if you shoot that guy," or, "I'll give you some money if you don't tell the cops I was here." I figured if I sold it to a kid, he'd be all proud and rush back home. He'd be all excited and say, "Mommy, Daddy, guess what? Remember that money you gave me to buy grandma's humidifier and her pills? I used it and bought a house! I'm soooooo special, aren't I? The man there said I'm too young to sign the contracts, but he needs to talk to you." When the parents came, I would refuse a refund and threaten them with legal action. Of course, there was another problem: No ordinary kid would be walking around with $7500, so once again, as the smart man I am, I used what little I had to work with. I had heard of Ness's father, he is a very wealthy man. So naturally, I heard of Ness as well, but I had no idea what he looked like. Such a rich man's kid would have to be rich, too right? I decided to go undercover and spy in various places to see if someone would refer to him, then I would follow him around and see how much money he had. I eventualy saw what he looked like after his picture was posted in the newspaper when he beat the Sharks. When I saw him walking around town, I decided to follow him. He went to the hotel, but he went inside of the private ATM room. Shoot, I thought to myself, he went into the private room. Why couldn't he have gone to the drugstore? Why did he have to go here? Why can't anything good happen to me today? So, I ran back to the house I was supposed to be selling. The cops still hadn't seen it yet, because they were too busy with the Sharks and roadblocking Twoson, and because of the house's remote location. And I wasn't going to call them, because if I did, my boss would be notified and he would get mad at me for not watching the place, then I'd get fired. Much to my suprise, Ness came along for a view of the ocean. I knew this was my only chance, and I was able to take advantage of his child stupidity and actually sold the house to him. When I asked him how he'd gotten the money, he replied he had a very rich father who regularly deposits $1000 into his bank account. I was so happy, I forgot to tell him his father needed to sign a few things. I never saw him again, nor did I see his father, but my boss thought I was pulling his leg when I told him I sold the house, since I had no legal contract to show for it. He called the police on me, and I got arrested for the illegal sale of property without a contract, and I was also blamed for destroying the house myself. What kind of justice is that? I hate the word justice. There is no justice, or i wouldn't be here. Because of Ness, I illegaly sold the home, and it landed me here. Remember folks: Kids are evil! Take advantage of them! Kids are helpess and stupid, yet cause sooooo much trouble.So, if any of you want to give an old man a break, come to the court house with $10,000 to bail me out. If you don't and leave me to rot here, I'll die come back as a ghost and make your lives miserable. Then, I'll posses you with a li'l mini ghost and posses all of the healers and Ness and Poo; so you'll never recover. So do the right thing and bail me out. Pretty please?
 



 
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