The Aloysius Minch Show
by

Firestorm Chamelion
Tuesday, April 5, 2005

Minch: Hello everybody and welcome to the Aloysius Minch Show, everyoneís favorite local station late-night talk show. I am your host, Aloysius Minch. In this show, we bring in all sorts of people. From delirious psychos to the rich and famous. I used to be a bum once. Betrayed and forgotten by my wife and son, now I am a success. Tonight, the #1 rated show on Threed Public Television brings you 4 men who all have one thing in common: A connection to a mysterious golden statue that was destroyed several years ago. Ladies and gents, please welcome, from left to right, Lier X. Aggerate, Al Everdread, Carpainter, and Geldegarde Montonoli. Gentlemen, welcome. Perhaps youíd like to tell us about your connections with the Mani Mani statue?

Lier: Glad to. Iím the one who unearthed the statue. ME! It was rightfully mine! Until YOU, Carpainter, stole it from me! I HATE THIEVES!

Carpainter: That was my group that did that, not me.

Everdread: Hey, that hurts. Iím a thief.

Lier: Good. I hope you rot in the H club.

Everdread: Your stupid childlike remarks simply bounce off me, Lier.

Lier: Shut up. Iím not listening to you.

Minch: I sense some tension here. Please, letís all wait our turn. So, Lier over here, tell me. Whatís up with the hairdo? I canít say Iíve ever seen that before. Is it going around? The rage these days? If it is, then Iíve been living in a hole.

Lier: Why is everyone my enemy? Have you no shame?

Minch: Take it easy. Just my sense of humor. Al, why donít you tell us about your connection with the Mani Mani?

Everdread: Iíve never seen it. These three were pretty intent on playing keep away with me. Iím a dangerous man, buds. Not a good idea. Do you want to get hurt? DO YA?! You think you can play that game with me? Allen S. Everdread!?

Minch: Letís calm down now. This Mani Mani statue, it has brought the four of you here. You should be happy to be on my show.

Carpainter: Chill out, tough man, before I zap you.

Montonoli: It ruined me. Someone destroyed it. That Ness kid. You two understand, donít you? That was a device for creating illusions. Surprising Lier wasnít affected by it, like myself and Carpainter were.

Everdread: You fools! I could have gotten a lot of money from that statue!

Minch: So this statue was worth the big bucks, eh? What were you planning to do with the money, Al?

Everdread: Thatís on a need to know basis only.

Minch: Iíll put you on a need to know basis. A need to know basis on the ratings of my show! Iím quite a man. I even told my own neighbor I wish heíd move away. That was quite a night. Let me tell you, there is nothing like grounding your kid from dessert for an entire decade when he comes home at 1 in the morning. I would know, Iíve done it before!

Everdread: Shut your mouth, ya old loser! (Audience boos)

Minch: Hey, youíre on my show, buddy. This is the Aloysius Minch show, not the Al Everdread Show.

Carpainter: Yes, if I may, can we please get to my side of the story?

Minch: Now thatís more like it.

Carpainter: I acquired it from Lier, and it gave me strange thoughts. I wanted to start a cult to paint everything blue. I called it Happy Happyism.

Minch: Is that an idea you got from the Smurfs? They were blue and always made me happy.

Carpainter: No, it wasnít. I had a nightmare, but Iíve woken up.

Montonoli: I stole it from him and hid it in a warehouse at a cafť. It made me the powerful mayor of Fourside. I had %90 of the city behind me.

Everdread: All you people are worthless! What kind of hiding place is that? If you were smarter, you would have hidden it in a good spot.

Minch: But, those were troubled times. I remember you. I used to work in your office! You were a poor excuse of a mayor. You were more like the mayor of tyrantism and idiocy.

Montonoli: Say what you want. I had no control over my actions.

Everdread: I hate all of you. I hate everyone. That statue belonged to me. I nearly had it. You will all pay now! (He gets out of his chair.) Iíll get you all for playing keep away with me!

Lier: You want a piece of me, ya thief!? Come and take it! (Gets out of his chair. The two get into a shouting fight, continued beeping and shoving ensues.)

Minch: Hey. HEY! (Gets up from his desk and pushes the two apart) Come on now, gentlemen, and I use the term loosely, this is public T.V. We have to watch our language.

Lier: Iíll give you a *beeping* *beep* *beep*

Everdread: Bring it on, *beep* *beep*! (They break free of Minchís grasp and shove each other again. Carpainter is knocked out of his chair. Upset, he gets up and grabs his steel chair and folds it. The angry Carpainter smashes Everdreadís skull with it. Everdread drops and Carpainter hits Lier on the head with a can full of blue paint. He opens the lid and pours it into Everdreadís mouth. This all happens along with continued beeping)

Carpainter: Suck paint, ya *beep beep*!

Minch: No! My set! Youíre ruining my beautiful set! There-Thereís blue paint all over my set! Stop it!

Montonoli: Now that wasnít very nice! (Gives Carpainter a low blow and puts him in an ankle lock. Everdread gets crawls over to Lier and begins biting him, while Carpainter is shouting from the pain; he and Montonoli are both shouting and beeping.)

Lier: Heís biting me! Heís biting me! (Yet more beeping. Carpainter reverses the ankle lock and begins to punch Montonoli)

Minch: Stop it! No! Youíre ruining the show! (The audience begins to cheer) Maybe this isnít such a bad thing.

Lier: OOOOOOOWWWWWWW! Get Ďem off me. Somebody help me! (Still more violence and beeping)

Minch: Wow. This should boost our ratings enough that weíll be able to hire some much needed show security. Weíll be back as soon as we get this senseless bloodshed resolved. (Commercials play) Welcome back, everybody. Iím afraid weíre going to have to cut our show short tonight; our guests were all rushed to the hospital. For Lier, it was profuse bleeding from a bite wound, Everdread is suffering paint poisoning, Carpainter has a broken ankle and Montonoli has a busted jaw. My deepest apologies to all of you. Good night, everybody. See you next time. (The cameras go off the air.) Wow, what a mess. Thereís blood and paint all over my studio. CursesÖ
 



 
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